[ being dead inside. jack's watching the side of dean's face with sad eyes, meeting his again when he looks up, and he thinks this must be torture on him. to have to love your mother's murderer, because your loyalty, your sense of family dictates it. he can't help thinking of the early days, when dean made sure everyone knew he thought jack's allowed existence would bring disaster. and now, here they are. ]
That's fair.
[ jack does honestly appreciate Dean leveling with him, giving him a clear definition of where they stand. It hurts. It hurts like nothing else in the world thinking that Dean may never forgive him, and their relationship may never be the same. But it is fair, and it's much more than dean's done for others that've caused him pain like jack has, and what's it even matter if it's fair because it's what it is. if nothing else, jack's had practice in accepting 'it's not fair but it's reality' so far in his short life.
so yeah, it hurts like it's eating away at his bones, but jack knew the second it happened, even soulless, he knew the bond between him and Dean (and Sam) would be never be the same. he knew it when his knees hit the graveyard dirt in the cemetery, and he stared down the barrel of dean's gun. this is that reality, and he's damned grateful that he's still allowed in this family that means so, so much to him. but beyond that, the best he can do now is adapt, and figure out how to make himself useful.
he's quietly listening to dean's not so cheerful welcome, brows knit in a deep furrow and eyes sad, but observing. what even is there to say? what would it matter, what would it change? but dean deserves something more from him, anything more than just a sad kid on his doorstep again, needing food and a bed. carefully, he takes a seat at the table, a distance away from dean, and looks at his hands for a long moment before trying to speak. ]
I know that 'sorry' doesn't fix anything, but for what it's worth, I am. What I did, what happened after. All of you warned me about using the magic and I— [ he's been going over it, again and again and again since he woke up, when he's sleeping, when he's jolting awake with mary's voice still ringing in his ears. jack still can't understand how he didn't get it. how he could've been staring dean winchester in the eyes and gone on complaining about mary pushing him. god, he'd been such a monster. maybe he is such a monster. dean's been right enough about him so far. And still, none of that matters right now. Because it happened, it's his fault, and everything's different now, no matter what the reason or how much jack's hating himself for it now. there's a lump of emotion crawling up jack's throat and he swallows back against it, eyes on the taco he's starting to unwrap carefully. ] 'Sorry' is pretty much all that I am. Nothing else I can do about it now.
[ and frankly, jack deciding he needs to do things and fix stuff is what started all of this in the first place, so maybe he should just sit in pandimensional time out and think about what he's done for a while. welp, he isn't hungry anymore. actually, he's not sure he's going to be able to make himself take a bite of this thing, after this conversation, but dean told him to eat so jack's going to eat. ]
At least being here means no powers.
[ Kelly was wrong. The bad that can come from them so drastically outweighs the good. it's crushing, that he isn't this great thing his mother died for, that people have been expecting him to be. but here, he's human, he isn't special, no one gives a damn about who he is or who his father was or what he might be capable of. he can get a job, figure out a way to help out, and start trying to convince the world and himself that he deserves the life he has again. ]
no subject
That's fair.
[ jack does honestly appreciate Dean leveling with him, giving him a clear definition of where they stand. It hurts. It hurts like nothing else in the world thinking that Dean may never forgive him, and their relationship may never be the same. But it is fair, and it's much more than dean's done for others that've caused him pain like jack has, and what's it even matter if it's fair because it's what it is. if nothing else, jack's had practice in accepting 'it's not fair but it's reality' so far in his short life.
so yeah, it hurts like it's eating away at his bones, but jack knew the second it happened, even soulless, he knew the bond between him and Dean (and Sam) would be never be the same. he knew it when his knees hit the graveyard dirt in the cemetery, and he stared down the barrel of dean's gun. this is that reality, and he's damned grateful that he's still allowed in this family that means so, so much to him. but beyond that, the best he can do now is adapt, and figure out how to make himself useful.
he's quietly listening to dean's not so cheerful welcome, brows knit in a deep furrow and eyes sad, but observing. what even is there to say? what would it matter, what would it change? but dean deserves something more from him, anything more than just a sad kid on his doorstep again, needing food and a bed. carefully, he takes a seat at the table, a distance away from dean, and looks at his hands for a long moment before trying to speak. ]
I know that 'sorry' doesn't fix anything, but for what it's worth, I am. What I did, what happened after. All of you warned me about using the magic and I— [ he's been going over it, again and again and again since he woke up, when he's sleeping, when he's jolting awake with mary's voice still ringing in his ears. jack still can't understand how he didn't get it. how he could've been staring dean winchester in the eyes and gone on complaining about mary pushing him. god, he'd been such a monster. maybe he is such a monster. dean's been right enough about him so far. And still, none of that matters right now. Because it happened, it's his fault, and everything's different now, no matter what the reason or how much jack's hating himself for it now. there's a lump of emotion crawling up jack's throat and he swallows back against it, eyes on the taco he's starting to unwrap carefully. ] 'Sorry' is pretty much all that I am. Nothing else I can do about it now.
[ and frankly, jack deciding he needs to do things and fix stuff is what started all of this in the first place, so maybe he should just sit in pandimensional time out and think about what he's done for a while. welp, he isn't hungry anymore. actually, he's not sure he's going to be able to make himself take a bite of this thing, after this conversation, but dean told him to eat so jack's going to eat. ]
At least being here means no powers.
[ Kelly was wrong. The bad that can come from them so drastically outweighs the good. it's crushing, that he isn't this great thing his mother died for, that people have been expecting him to be. but here, he's human, he isn't special, no one gives a damn about who he is or who his father was or what he might be capable of. he can get a job, figure out a way to help out, and start trying to convince the world and himself that he deserves the life he has again. ]