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meadowlarking2020-04-22 11:35 pm
TEST DRIVE MEME 012
Welcome to the Meadowlark test drive meme! After waking up in strange and rather worrisome conditions, characters will need to begin to live their lives in this new world. All TDM threads take place after the arrival process, so please assume that the initial adjustment period has passed – in which the characters were found after being dropped off in a random part of the city and had to live in a safehouse for four days before hitting the streets. Now it's time to see the bright sights and sounds that New Amsterdam – and beyond – has to offer.
All Meadowlark test drive memes will not be game canon because of the nature of our arrival logs. Please feel free to carry on relationships that make sense, but please keep in mind that the TDM may not reflect current circumstances in game.
This will be Meadowlark's last Test Drive Meme until we hit 50 players.
NOTE: The PCs have chosen to call themselves "the Displaced," and that's become the common parlance to refer to them.
There is very little that can smooth over the experience of your arrival in this world. Coming to your senses in a van, drugged and restrained, only to be carefully helped out by the unknown guards and nurses and then abandoned in an alleyway. What comes after is relatively straightforward: you're found by others and taken back to a safehouse that is hidden under an old hover bike shop. You aren't the first group that this has happened to: there are others not from this world who have experienced the same, with no recollection of how they came here. Like you, they have few answers about what's happened to them. Maybe this knowledge brings you a growing sense of futility, or perhaps it inspires a deeper determination in you. But even as you begin to think on what to do next, life has to go on.
All of the new arrivals will be given a fake ID and a background that will lend them access to entry-level jobs. It may be overwhelming, but their fellow Displaced have found their footing enough to be able to help the newcomers. Two Morningstar agents will be around to take care of world integration and IDs – the rest will fall to the Displaced who arrived before. It would take at least a month's wages to put down a deposit on even the smallest apartment in the city, so everyone has a grace period before they have to leave the safehouse – and then some, depending on the kindness of who's running the show.
Morningstar's veteran agents will also make their purpose clear if asked: they are a group dedicated to fighting corruption and righting the wrongs of this world, though they're in the process of rebuilding the organization's branch in New Amsterdam from scratch, and they know that the people in charge of those efforts wouldn't mind a little help. It will be made expressly clear that this entire arrangement to get the Displaced situated in the world is meant to be kept a secret, and that especially includes Morningstar's assistance. Letting the world know about their involvement could cause big problems.
> EXPLORE THE CHANGES
Despite the lack of answers about why you're here, your fellow Displaced will be able to give you a rundown of the changes they've recognized in each other. Anyone who had powers before will find them gone. Anyone who was once an AI or in a completely artificial body will find that their current body is now fully human. Those with cybernetics will find that they've remained mostly untouched, though any primitive ones may be replaced with temporary ones that are improvements on the previous models.
◉ NEW ABILITIES. In the place of any powers that were lost, there is now a new power. These abilities are unique to each of the Displaced and seem to update over a certain period of time, with the changes appearing thanks to critical emotional events. One thing that's apparent is that the power seems to be linked to the Displaced individual's personality or life before this one, shaped according to who they happen to be. When this power appears, their chest glows with a blue light that shines from their sternum, and it can be triggered by anything: natural inclination or a moment of great stress. If someone's out in public when this happens, they might want to duck under cover lest the blue glow from their chest and the unusual power's appearance draws unwanted attention.
◉ EMPATHY BOND. No matter the circumstances or the conditions, every skin-to-skin touch of the Displaced triggers this empathy bond. Whether they touch hands, brush cheeks, or knock into one another on accident, they'll be met with the emotions of the person they've touched. Every instance of skin-to-skin contact will trigger an immediate empathic bond, letting you feel the other person's emotions and vise versa. While there's nothing that can be done to completely prevent this, someone can either decide to hold on and continue sharing that level of emotional intimacy, or let go and end the shockingly vulnerable exchange. If someone is particularly tactile but not fond of sharing their emotions, they might want to invest in a fashionable pair of gloves.
◉ MEMORY SHARE. Through a recent event, the Displaced unlocked the ability to share memories similarly to how they can share emotions. While unknown at first, the Displaced soon learned that they could share a memory with each other the same way they could share emotions. All they need to do is focus on a memory and touch the skin of their fellow Displaced, and then they could pass this experience along. These memories are shared through the eyes of the giver, granting the receiver a unique insight into the thoughts, feelings, and sensations during a specific moment in their life.
◉ DREAM SHARING. Once one, two, or five Displaced fall asleep, they may be able to find each other in their dreams. These dreams lead to the dreamers themselves feeling lucid and somewhat in control of their surroundings—though the control itself is ultimately dependent on the dreamer and how well they come around to understanding what's going on. Dream logic applies with the flow of time, but no one is able to spend their entire lives there. Lost powers are still gone for any of the Displaced, but they can use their dreams to practice any new ability that they've received. Memory shares and empathy bonds are just as possible within these shared dream states—if anyone doubts that another Displaced is really there, they can test the empathy bond to see if it activates.
◉ POWER SHARES AND UNIONS. The Displaced can share something of themselves with another Displaced by offering them an object that comes out of their chest. This object is meant to be symbolic of the person it comes from and significant to them in some way. When someone else takes hold of this object, they will get a sense of the owner's essence, along with temporary access to their in-game ability. Only when they give the item back do they give up the power in question. In addition, the Displaced are able to act in unison and create a fusion of their powers, making it so they can fight someone else with them at once. This ability is there from day one, but the power's ability will only ever present at its current stage.
> THE NETWORK
When the Displaced first showed up, Morningstar set up a private network for all of the Displaced to use in order to communicate. Most of the veteran Displaced are old hands at using the implant now, and will be happy to provide any necessary information on how to utilize this new tool and understand its application in daily life.
Early on, every newcomer receives access to the encrypted network, only available to you and the others like you, making contact between you easy and safe. Familiarize yourself with this network and dig in. Perhaps you're hoping to find some bigger answers, ask about the current nail polish trends in New Amsterdam, or want to play a game of "hot or not" among the Displaced.
◉ IDENTIFICATION. Everyone who gets set up with an ID gets access to Morningstar's network. In order to ensure that none of the Displaced stand out like sore thumbs, Morningstar's agents El and Gaby ensure that everyone has a name that makes it so they fit in among society. All usernames are thusly formed as firstname.lastname, with some room for creativity (Ziggy Stardust had a brief cameo, after all).
◉ PRIVATE COMMUNICATION. There are private, one-on-one modes of communication available as well, though without the security of Morningstar's encryptions, they're much less safe. You can make calls, send texts, make videos, and even interact with others in a VR simulation—however, it's made very clear that the government has a means of tracking this communication. Big brother is always watching.
The day of April 26th is known to all United Nations citizens: it's Resolution Day. To everyone around the world, it's the day when the last known AI lifeforms were completely eradicated in 2101. While some might say that it's the day that the UN claimed victory over the AI, to people the world over it's the day that humanity managed to keep themselves from being wiped out. Little will be said in detail about the holiday itself, but a remedial bit of research will cover the six-year-long Xelkoven War between humans and AI. The war itself was started when the home security unit AI Elysian killed 50 households full of people, and the war itself was named after the largest artificial intelligence distributor at the time: Xelkov. Ultimately, a billion humans died in the war, and there was the very real risk that the rest of humanity could have followed if they hadn't devised a method to put down the AI for good.
The citywide celebration of Resolution Day starts early and finishes very late, so whether you choose to join in the fun, learn more about the history of the festival, or take advantage of the revelry for other, more nefarious goals, you'll have plenty of time.
As the festival sprawls wildly throughout the streets of New Amsterdam, it gives even the most desolate parts of the city new life with bright lights, noise, and plenty of food. Most businesses are closed for the day, but not all of them—if you've gotten yourself a restaurant, street cleaning, or corporate PR job, you might find yourself stuck on a double shift. Better snatch what small moments of enjoyment you can!
> ENJOY THE FESTIVITIES
Anything you'd think would be at a festival in the year 2512 is definitely at this festival. Food, games, dancing, alcohol, free stuff? It's all there for your enjoyment. While the city streets will be full of people, this isn't a bad day to try networking. Want to get a new job or find a way to pry some information out of someone when they're least likely to remember you? Try to butter them up—or use the powers you've been granted to get your way. If anything goes badly, at least you can slip back into the crowd.
◉ GAMES. Care to play a game? All attendees can play for free. Some games —like the hoverblade racing, the augmented reality fightboxes, and the street-wide bouts of laser tag—require a partner or a competitor, so you better hope someone's willing to do you a solid or bring out your competitive side. For anyone who's interested in something a little less hands-on, all of the city's biggest VR arcades will have setups with all the latest games. Hoping to get noticed for your gaming talent? This might not be the day to try to stand out, but anyone's down to try.
◉ FOOD TRUCKS. It's time to try the delicacies of New Amsterdam. Hundreds of food trucks have turned out today in droves with high hopes that they'll come away turning a profit. Down for some Mexi-German fusion? Or perhaps you're hoping that pad thai still tastes the same with grasshoppers? Share your food – or give away whatever you don't like. Food trucks are the hub of activity, and the busiest ones might be worth the time, but you'll be standing in line for a while.
◉ NETWORKING. There are other opportunities with the city being flooded with festival-goers. Whether someone is on a mission to try to test the current sentiments toward Morningstar or simply wants to charm some corporate execs, this might be the time to get it done. Whatever your cover story is, make it good. Whether you claim you're hoping to pitch an idea for some new tech or are more interested in seducing – or squeezing – some information out of them, following them into the next bar or karaoke booth may give you the perfect chance. But you might want a lookout to watch your back, a co-conspirator to keep them plied with drinks, or maybe you'll need a voice of reason to stop you from squeezing too hard. Discretion is the name of the game. Everyone can agree upon that.
> HISTORY LESSONS
Aside from your typical booths of free samples, charitable causes, volunteer applications, and white chocolate-covered beetles, you'll find an opportunity to learn about Resolution Day’s history. There are various stands available where—thanks to the augmented reality application of your neural implant—you can view videos about the origins of the festival and the reasons for celebrating. If you haven't done your initial search yourself, you'll be able to buff up on it here.
◉ VR SIMULATIONS. If you'd like to feel like a hero, the UNA are running several virtual reality simulations where you can be taken to the battlefield to fight alongside fellow soldiers, working to bring the outwardly robotic AI to submission. The virtual reality simulation interacts with your neural implant to give you the most realistic experience possible. If you don't ground yourself enough, you'll be certain that the sights, sounds, and smells around you are real as you march in formation toward the brutality waiting up ahead. Feel free to team up with a partner on a side mission, or maybe try to keep someone from plugging in for what could be a traumatic experience. Eerie, heart-wrenching music plays when you die, but is promptly followed by the image of several corporate logos reminding you that they sponsored this day and this event.
◉ SYMPATHIZERS. If you're uncomfortable with the concept of eradicating all AI, no one will understand why. AI sympathizers are not present among the native population. Everyone in this world has been raised with the understanding that AI only wanted to destroy humanity, and that everyone is lucky to be alive in spite of it. They have a deeply ingrained fear, and anyone claiming to formerly be an AI or android won't receive a very friendly response.
Traveling down from the hectic main city streets reveals a different side from the gloss and promise of New Amsterdam. Economic disparity runs rampant throughout the city, and many people are pushed to desperation, looking to find other ways to make ends meet. In the darker shadows, many illegal activities thrive, out of view of the authorities—or perhaps known and supported by corrupt individuals. Maybe you're out exploring, completing a task for Morningstar, or working a job in the place you excel. Whatever brought you to the rougher parts of town, you may want to watch your step, or else find the city eating you as it has so many others.
> ORGANIZED CRIME
Organized crime still has a strong foothold in the world, with gangs and more established families working with drugs, weapons, property, and black market cybernetics, to name a few. These organizations are sprawling units that regularly recruit new members into their ranks, so long as they can prove themselves by passing the intensive hazing. While there are two main mob entities in New Amsterdam—the Riverstone Mob and the Petrov Family—there are a handful of gangs that otherwise roam the streets. Some are loosely sponsored by the mob, while others are fledgling groups trying to gain clout. More than anything, these groups know they don't have the power of the corporations or government, and do everything to seize more power when they can.
◉ JOINING UP. Catching the eye of the mob is difficult, but not impossible. Getting into the larger gangs is less difficult, but they're still wary of anyone who doesn't know the ins and outs of how to duck surveillance, traffic drugs and supplies, and intimidate people without catching flack from the NAPD. The best way to start getting attention is through their clubs, casinos, and illegal gambling dens. Getting inside isn't always easy: it might take a few weeks of legwork to get an invite, but someone could try to strongarm their way inside or use some chicanery to make it a smoother endeavor.
◉ ESCAPE PLAN. Whether you went in to cause trouble or accidentally caused it by breathing the wrong way, it's good to have an escape plan in place. Does that mean fighting all the goons available? Maybe. What about stealing a hover bike and getting away? The good news is that hover bikes can fit where hover cars can't.If you've got the skills, you'll be able to weave through the chaos of the city and make a clean getaway. Just don't let the chase run for too long, or you'll have law enforcement on your ass as well.
> FIGHT CLUB
No matter the occasion outside, New Amsterdam's fight club events are held every evening. The bouncers at the door don't have too many scruples on who they let inside. All they care about is whether someone has the money to pay the cover charge.
The interior of the fight club reveals the sophistication of a business that's used to uprooting itself regularly. All the fights take place in a large cage in the center, and you remain on your feet while you enjoy the show. There is a special VIP section if you've been lucky enough to receive an invite or bribe your way in – just keep in mind that these invites are scarce, and you will have to have done something spectacular to earn the attention from someone high up the food chain. Regardless of where you end up, there is one rule: what happens in the fight club stays in the fight club. This tenant is law, and everyone's heard stories of the different (and sometimes extreme) lengths that have been taken to maintain it.
◉ FIGHT. It's time to sign up and test your chops against other fighters. Many of the fighters boast illegal cybernetic enhancements, so it would be a really good idea to have someone on hand who knows some first aid. Fights can either happen in duos or in one-on-ones depending on the signups for the evening.
◉ RINGSIDE CHAT. You might just want to enjoy the show, or use the opportunity to grill the bartenders for information. Just be careful not to make a fool of yourself. Asking too many questions might catch the wrong kind of attention – the kind that might find you being thrown into the ring, whether you wanted to be there or not. For all the blood spilled, these fight clubs thrive on discretion, so whatever you do, try to keep it quiet.
Life in New Amsterdam was once all festivals and people avoiding association with organized crime. Life in New Amsterdam these days is full of drama, citywide disturbances, and everything else that might be expected of an action film in progress. While there aren't many answers for what's happened to the Displaced, there is enough chaos going around that it seems like it may be connected to their arrivals.
The worst part is that New Amsterdam seems to struggle. Rather than being an anonymous backdrop to those action films, New Amsterdam is a bustling city full of life that never asked to be at the heart of this. When trouble hits, most repairs and restorations focus on helping those with money, while others are left forgotten living in tents and hoping for a helping hand. Recent circumstances have called for improvements in this area—there is more charitable work than ever before in New Amsterdam—but it's still a trying time.
Where the Displaced stand in all of this varies, but it's hard to ignore a city in trouble.
◉ DISPLACED VERSUS DISPLACED. Whether it's by manipulation of an outside force or through inhaling weird monster gas, sometimes the Displaced are at odds with one another. When some of these few heroes are fighting, it means that the city can be left in even greater danger. Other times, the Displaced might not be able to control themselves. Feeling a sudden surge of vengeance and hoping to follow through on it? That monster gas might be the cause. Want to finish out a nasty deal to get something back important? The monster gas won't be an excuse, but maybe someone can pretend it was. Life as a Displaced is wild sometimes.
◉ THE UNITED NATIONS ARMY. In fact, it's so wild that sometimes they come up against the extremely dangerous soldiers of the UNA. These soldiers are the military arm of the United Nations government. They aren't the average soldier, however. Dressed in thick black armor that acts as an exoskeleton for their bodies, they are basically invulnerable to any and all attacks. When fighting as a unit, they work perfectly in unison, making it so that they can quickly move to deny almost any and all attacks. They're also extremely resistant to any mental or emotional compulsion or manipulation, making them hard nuts to crack. Ready for a bossfight? They're the soldiers for it.
◉ MONSTERS. As for unconventional threats, there are the monsters. These creatures first turned up in giant form when the first batch of Displaced arrived, stomping all over New Amsterdam. The less unique version of the monsters are around 400m high, have lizard-like features, and tend to show up by tearing down a portion of New Amsterdam's city wall And that's the less unique version. More unique monsters vary in size and make, seeming to be an amalgamation of a number of different creatures. Half-snake, half-dog? Seems odd, but it happens. The one consistent feature of all these monsters is they all have golden irises. Suffice to say that running into these creatures could be a problem.
Feel free to branch out and explore! Visit a doctor about some advanced cybernetics. Sneak through the city checkpoints and set out into the wilderness. Try to hop on a train bound for one of the world's five spaceports to see one of the colonies—though bear in mind the cost and difficulty of one of these joy rides. Experiment with some insect based versions of your favorite recipes. Perhaps you'd prefer to engage in some illegal street racing, spend some time getting used to the technology, or try to become a social media celebrity. Use the SETTING for inspiration and choose your own adventure!
no subject
At the end of the day, does it really matter? Does he need to know all of the freaky stupid specific details? The bigger picture is that Jack's got his soul back, and it...
Reconciling these two versions of Jack is ten times harder than separating them ever was. It's easy, it's so easy, to split someone into two - before they got turned and after they became a monster. It happens with vampires, with ghosts, with werewolves usually, the only difference is Jack got turned into a soulless thing, and he wasn't expecting to ever have to come back from that.
To have to deal with forgiving him.
It's so much easier to just hate, and to feel anger, and to channel all of his energy into killing someone in his mind.
He can't do that here. It directly contradicts how he's been programmed to treat family.
His fingers flex absently when Jack points out the blood. His movements are slow motion as he reaches out to take the napkins mechanically, as though on autopilot. He presses the paper against the gashes in his knuckles, and the pain slowly begins to filter in.
There's quiet for a little while longer, but his foot stays on the brakes. ]
So what am I supposed to do?
[ He asks, but he doesn't really... expect Jack to answer. It's a rhetorical question that falls out of his mouth, toneless and empty and thick. ]
How am I supposed t-
[ The word cuts off with a soft click, and his head starts shaking again.
It's easier to fall into duty. To block it out and think in short steps - step one, get out of the parking lot. Step two, get home. Step three, make the kid eat. Step four, clean his wounds.
He can process after.
Maybe.
He lets off the brake. ]
no subject
how can he ask him to take on more? when jack coming into his life already cost him so much. the day he was born, he already had a sizable kill count to his name. dean knew it then, and all jack's done now is prove him right.
He takes in a deep breath, flooding some oxygen to his brain and getting ready to speak. ]
Dean. You don't have to do anything.
[ Jack tells him softly, almost fondly, eyes glassy and sad, voice a bit achy, but he can't ask dean to let him be this burden on him again, not after everything he did. not after mary. reaching for the bags on the floor, he pulls out one of the wrapped up tacos, at least taking the meal dean got him. ]
All of this is my fault.
[ no matter how many times he thinks he's gotten past this, it comes back down to it. he's dangerous. his existence alone, is dangerous. he's killed two women attempting to be mothers to him so far. jack adores kelly with every fiber of his being, but maybe she was wrong. maybe this evil is just in his blood. it can't be dean's fault for trying to give him something better. ]
If you never forgive me, no one could blame you. Thanks for the — [ wait, what the fuck is even in his hand ] — food. But you don't have to take me with you. I've been on my own before, I can do it again.
[ except he had monumental cosmic power all of those times (and mary watching over him in one), and it wasn't in sci fi new amsterdam, where we eat bugs and do surprise brain surgery on strangers. regardless, and even though the car is already in motion, jack's reaching for the door handle. ]
no subject
[ He says, firm and unflinching, finally snapping his eyes to Jack. They're red, bloodshot, but his jaw's squared up and his face is back under his control. There's a slight gauntness to his cheeks where he seems to be sucking them in and biting down on them, but other than that he's regaining some of his steadfast composure.
Enough to lay out firm orders without barking them, but sternly enough that they don't leave room for argument.
The only god damn thing worse than dealing with this would be letting himself let this kid go be homeless somewhere in the friggin future by himself. He made that mistake once with Cas, let him go because of all the baggage going on with Sam, because of the secrets, because of Gadreel.
Let his best friend, his family, live off the streets and struggle. Cas was an adult, Jack is a child.
Screwed up and complicated or not, Dean's still responsible for him. ]
Just shut up. Just stop talking and hold the damn tacos. We're going home.
[ And he lays on the gas as though to prove it - or maybe to prevent Jack from bouncing out anyway, because that's something Sam or Cas might do. Hop out of the passenger's seat at five miles an hour before he had time to argue it. At least he's not likely to tuck and roll at high speeds.
Unless he is, in which case the three of them raised a moron.
(Not really an impossibility, frankly, knowing them.) ]
no subject
so he shuts up. he stops talking, and he holds the damn tacos.
as they drive, jack gradually sinks further and further into his seat, eyes trained on whatever marketing graphic is painted onto the fast food bags that end up in his lap (he's HOLDING THE DAMN TACOS). the kid's probably about five inches shorter by the time they get to wherever dean's staying than he was when he first sat down. he doesn't get his legs pulled up against him again, but his heels are bumping against the front edge of the seat where it connects to the floor.
this shit is like asking to develop back problems at a young age, but it'd honestly be great if the upholstery just swallowed him whole right now.
all that's playing through his mind on the way back are those early first few weeks. dean's unmasked hatred. he's not god, he's not cas, he's not simba, he's the friggin' devil. jack closes his eyes, and one second he's remembering dean walking in on jack with a kitchen knife stabbed into his chest. the next, it's waking up from a nightmare to dean calmly talking him through it. whatever comes at us, we'll figure out a way to deal with it, together.
jack's features twist and contour painfully, teeth grind and eyes squeeze shut tight, but he keeps quiet. he stops talking, holds the damn tacos, and misses his family. his family, that he broke. ]
no subject
To separate his stuff from Jack's stuff, and apply context to it.
He gets it.
It frustrates the hell out of him. It's not freaking fair that he doesn't get to keep being pissed. It's not fair that he can't blame the kid, it's not fair that his pain is taking precedent over Dean's.
And that's what it really comes down to, isn't it? When presented with two sources of pain, one being his own and the other belonging to his family, Dean will always choose to prioritize theirs over his. He's less important, hell, he's not important. He doesn't matter, but they do. He only allows himself that sense of injustice, that lamentation of his inability to feel his own feelings, and after that it's a matter of buttoning them up to tend to someone else.
(But he killed my mom.)
It wasn't him.
They get to Dean's apartment. He parks the car. He takes the keys. He leads them in without a word, glancing back only once to make sure Jack is following. The door opens through neural implant recognition (he'll have to add Jack to the mainframe). The key ring with RFID chip and remote start get tossed onto the kitchen table.
It's small. It's crappy. It's as cheaply made as every motel room they've ever stayed in, but it's got two bedrooms and a full(ish) kitchen. It's serviceable.
He's entirely too acutely aware of Jack, of his state of mind, of his lost uncertainty and his lack of a tether. Once the door is shut and the keys are down, once they're surrounded by four walls and some place Dean considers familiar, he finally, finally breaks it.
It's with a sigh, it's with a hard note of resignation in his voice. ]
We're not leaving you.
[ Him. Sam. Cas.
Just so you know. Stop asking yourself that question. ]
We're not kicking you out. We're not abandoning you. That's not how family works.
[ In case that wasn't clear. He doesn't look at Jack as he says it; his bowed head addresses the ground, because he can't look at the kid right now without an onslaught of stuff.
But it still needs to be said, because it's cruel and unusual punishment to leave him balancing on that wire while handling all the other things overwhelming him at the same time.
That doesn't mean he doesn't still want to punch you square in the throat.
Eat your tacos. ]
no subject
he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a huge weight lifted off of him the second dean reassures him that he's not being abandoned, eyes falling closed for a second as he lets out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. but god, he hates watching dean worry about him when he can't even look at him. ]
Okay. [ jack murmurs quietly anyway, nodding softly, despite the deep furrow in his brow and the sad way he watches the side of dean's face. he doesn't have to do this for him. tell him he's family when he robbed dean of something that's actual family, but nonetheless, he appreciates it. that he's still willing, that he's trying, though, it's clearly hurting him. ] Thank you.
[ this isn't right. maybe jack would prefer getting punched in the throat, though it isn't nearly even, and he has no idea how much of his physiology stayed, so punching him in the throat may do some actual damage now. they all keep giving and giving and giving for him, and what has jack done in return? he managed to kill michael, but look at the cost. he found mary in apocalypse world, but he lost kaia to do it. now they want him to throw down with God? how much more catastrophe is that going to bring?
the world will be lucky if jack ever touches his powers again, here or at home. whatever new thing this place gave him, jack's sure he not interested, as it stands.
digging a hand into one of the bags, jack fishes out two of the tacos wrapped up in paper, then holds one out to dean. want a taco, buddy?
regardless of how long his arm might hang in the air there, holding out the food, eventually jack folds into the emotion, watching dean, watching his pain, knowing he caused it. mary's gone, she's gone, and it wasn't some unavoidable thing, it wasn't some incident of circumstance like Kelly. mary's gone because jack killed her, and he feels his stomach twist, like his insides are trying to crawl out of his skin.
he asks quietly, but honestly, a tremor in his voice otherwise thick with self-loathing. ]
How can you stand being near me?
no subject
Without looking up, and almost instantly: ]
A lifetime of not giving a crap and being dead inside, mostly.
[ He answers bluntly, flatly, and it sounds sarcastic, but. It's actually true, so that word can't even really be applied. Maybe gallows humor, self-deprecation. Whatever the case, it's delivered in a way that's more meant to be a jab at himself than at Jack.
A second later he's gotta acknowledge that it's neither reassuring norm empathetic, and he sighs like he's giving into some outside force.
(It's his brain-Sam telling him he's being an asshole.)
His eyes leave his taco, abandoning it an inch into the air and letting it flop back onto the table carelessly. ]
You want me to level with you?
[ He looks Jack square in the eye, gives exactly one beat, but he doesn't actually wait for an answer. ]
I'm pissed. I'm gonna be pissed for a while. I don't know if I'm ever gonna not be pissed...
[ Another lingering beat, a sway into his shoulders, and a shuttering empty, old resignation across his eyes as they peel away again. ]
But you weren't you. I know it. I been there. Sam's been there. Cas has been there. We've all done exactly what you did, just... different. So. Welcome to the club.
[ It does not sound like a warm welcome, or a fun club. There definitely isn't a trace of forgiveness in his voice, either. It's all spoken from a "these are the facts" place, and that's the best he can offer. ]
no subject
That's fair.
[ jack does honestly appreciate Dean leveling with him, giving him a clear definition of where they stand. It hurts. It hurts like nothing else in the world thinking that Dean may never forgive him, and their relationship may never be the same. But it is fair, and it's much more than dean's done for others that've caused him pain like jack has, and what's it even matter if it's fair because it's what it is. if nothing else, jack's had practice in accepting 'it's not fair but it's reality' so far in his short life.
so yeah, it hurts like it's eating away at his bones, but jack knew the second it happened, even soulless, he knew the bond between him and Dean (and Sam) would be never be the same. he knew it when his knees hit the graveyard dirt in the cemetery, and he stared down the barrel of dean's gun. this is that reality, and he's damned grateful that he's still allowed in this family that means so, so much to him. but beyond that, the best he can do now is adapt, and figure out how to make himself useful.
he's quietly listening to dean's not so cheerful welcome, brows knit in a deep furrow and eyes sad, but observing. what even is there to say? what would it matter, what would it change? but dean deserves something more from him, anything more than just a sad kid on his doorstep again, needing food and a bed. carefully, he takes a seat at the table, a distance away from dean, and looks at his hands for a long moment before trying to speak. ]
I know that 'sorry' doesn't fix anything, but for what it's worth, I am. What I did, what happened after. All of you warned me about using the magic and I— [ he's been going over it, again and again and again since he woke up, when he's sleeping, when he's jolting awake with mary's voice still ringing in his ears. jack still can't understand how he didn't get it. how he could've been staring dean winchester in the eyes and gone on complaining about mary pushing him. god, he'd been such a monster. maybe he is such a monster. dean's been right enough about him so far. And still, none of that matters right now. Because it happened, it's his fault, and everything's different now, no matter what the reason or how much jack's hating himself for it now. there's a lump of emotion crawling up jack's throat and he swallows back against it, eyes on the taco he's starting to unwrap carefully. ] 'Sorry' is pretty much all that I am. Nothing else I can do about it now.
[ and frankly, jack deciding he needs to do things and fix stuff is what started all of this in the first place, so maybe he should just sit in pandimensional time out and think about what he's done for a while. welp, he isn't hungry anymore. actually, he's not sure he's going to be able to make himself take a bite of this thing, after this conversation, but dean told him to eat so jack's going to eat. ]
At least being here means no powers.
[ Kelly was wrong. The bad that can come from them so drastically outweighs the good. it's crushing, that he isn't this great thing his mother died for, that people have been expecting him to be. but here, he's human, he isn't special, no one gives a damn about who he is or who his father was or what he might be capable of. he can get a job, figure out a way to help out, and start trying to convince the world and himself that he deserves the life he has again. ]